If I were a Groupon

I absolutely hate the way Groupon writes up their daily deals; the site tries way too hard to be cute and clever. Case in point, here’s what they had to say about today’s Taproot deal:

<<Rock concerts feature pyrotechnics more often than aquatechnics, mostly due to the danger of electrocution and the water solubility of drummers.>>

Ha. Ha. Ha. But seriously, that “Poem” song isn’t all bad.
Back to the copywriting, if I’m going to Groupon’s site for 40% off puff pastries in Lisle, the last fucking thing I want to read is a mock history of the evolution of bakeries in Paris.

Since the Groupon copywriting formula is fairly predictable, I decided to apply it to me.┬áHere’s what a James VanOsdol Groupon might look like:

Like warriors from a bygone era, aging former disc jockeys charge into battle using microphones instead of broadswords. After these messages, you can enjoy your very own wit and microphone-wielding former disc jockey with today’s 50% off Groupon.

James VanOsdol specializes in arcane comic book and musical knowledge, and can deftly switch between a conversation about Quicksilver’s involvement in the Avengers to an analysis of Kasim Sulton’s contributions to Todd Rundgren’s career. Indulge in the hilarity by having James play songs from his CD library in your home. Perhaps even invite a friend or two over to request songs that he’ll never play.

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