My gross Iron Maiden story

I just posted this as a “Backers-Only” update to my Kickstarter project. It seemed to good to lock down, so I thought I’d share it here.

This is a truly disgusting story–you’ve been warned.

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Good morning.

Just over a week ago, I went to see Iron Maiden and Alice Cooper at the First Midwest Bank Ampitheatre. It was ten thousand degrees outside, but that was fine with me–I packed baby wipes in my cargo shorts. Nothing says “metal” like patting down one’s face with Cottonelle wipes during “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son.”

At some point towards the end of the show–I’m not sure if it happened when I was in the bathroom or while I was walking through the grassy parking lot to my car–I stepped in human excrement.

I wasn’t immediately aware of what had happened. My first hints came on the car ride home, when I became aware of “a smell.” Because it was hot and disgusting out, I assumed that the stench was coming from the two guys I went to the show with. “Man,” I thought to myself for the entire trip,”these guys reek.” My brain hadn’t made the connection that sweat, no matter how much of it has been excreted, does not smell like feces.

When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was covered in dung. Just to clarify, there are no dogs, horses, or cows allowed at a rock concert. After a brief moment of denial, I disgustedly accepted the fact that I traipsed through man-made feces.

After chucking my shoes out the back door and scrubbing myself down with chlorine, I took a shower and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I had a chilling thought: did I track it into the car? As I stepped out into the 90 degree weather a few minutes later, I considered that if there was dung in my car, it was going to be slowly roasting on the accelerator pedal. Sure enough, when I opened my door, I dry heaved to the sight and smell of excrement painted across the driver’s side floor and door interior. This sort of thing would never happen at a Gotye show. Then again, I’d never go to a Gotye show.

I don’t get out much; but when I do, it leaves a mark.

What does this have to do with We Appreciate Your Enthusiasm? Nothing, really. Other than to say that I should have been at home working on the book instead of walking in dung.

I’m still on target for a mid-November release. .

Stay tuned …

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See also: my post on “Flight of Icarus”

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One response to “My gross Iron Maiden story”

  1. WCR says :

    Your experience is exactly why I avoid First Midwest Amphitheater like the plague. During one show we saw somebody squatting and leaving a pile (nicest way I can say it) as well as others just urinating, told security and they did nothing. However, security is willing to get nasty when you try to take a photo with your cell phone or when folks in the front row aren’t exactly at their seat and are near the rail. I would have liked to see the Iron Maiden show and another one later this summer but I am not willing to deal with the clientele and lack of security at FMBA. Sorry to hear this happened to you. Kills the fun of a good show.

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