In case you were asleep at 1:50 this morning (which I assume you were), here’s what I spewed going into “Sex Type Thing”:

Where are the Illinois voters? That’s what the news outlets have been asking for the past few days, in anticipation of today’s primaries. Of course, the bigger question is, “Hey, there are primaries today?”

Now, I’m a fan of democracy—I mean, it beats those governments that pound the undersides of your feet with an iron rod just for chewing gum—but how motivated should we be after giving a good once-over to the list of tin woodsmen on the ballot?
Honestly, these people are so stiff, it’s almost pornographic.

You’ve gotta give Jim Oberweis credit for a few things—the first being cinnamon ice cream. Honestly, is there anything more delightful on a chilly Chicago night beside a crackling fire? But also for his offer to both Ron Gidwitz and Bill Brady to draw straws to see who takes on Judy Barr Topinka, the Republican frontrunner. Why’s Topinka the frontrunner? She’s a three-term Treasurer, so she must be good with money—that apparently counts for something. Topinka says it’s time that an “adult” runs Illinois. And adult? I’ll admit that Rod’s made some moves that wouldn’t get him elected into the Glenbrook North Student Council, but he’s still an “adult.” Okay, so his hair looks like a five-year old’s. At least it’s not a dye job. I’m looking at you, Judy in Disguise…

Of course, if you pass by a church or school later today, you may remember to vote. And when you do go in to vote, all the campaign promises espousing integrity and responsible government will have as much lasting impact on you as a season of “Celebrity Fit Club.” You’ll do what you always do—vote down party lines for the least offensive schmuck on the list. And then you’ll do a double take when you realize, “Hey, I have to vote for Lieutenant Governor? Don’t we get him as a package deal with the Governor? F*** me running.”

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