The dangers of sleep deprivation

Not to brag or anything, but I’ve had close to 7 hours of sleep since Tuesday. Cyborgs have it so easy, with their robotic parts compensating for nagging basic human needs.

A few things I’ve noticed about being sleep deprived:

-On more than one sleepless occasion, I’ve felt an odd “floating” sensation when I was just standing still. I’m assuming that the sensation is probably a precursor to fainting. Hasn’t happened yet. Knock wood.

-I’m hairtrigger intolerant of even the slightest annoyance. The first Traveling Wilburys album is still out of print? Stupidmotherfuckingbullshitcocksuckers! Everyone responsible for this injustice can KISS.MY.ASS. Hear me? Kiss my ass.

-Conversely, I’m surprisingly tolerant of the mundane, bland, and inoffensive. I found myself watching the “100 Greatest Country Songs of All Time” on CMT for about 30 minutes straight before I changed the channel. “Hmm,” I thought, “That ‘Harper Valley P.T.A.’ song ain’t all that bad.”

-Caffeine no longer works the way it used to. The traditional Diet Coke and coffee enhancements have been replaced by 24 ounce Monster energy drinks, which have a barfy medicinal taste.

-After a full night of work, I drive like an elderly person–right hand lane on the expressway or Lake Shore Drive, sometimes well below the posted speed limit. If I were to leave my right blinker on for the entire trip, other drivers would be convinced that I’d been born during FDR’s presidency.

Living healthy in the big city of Chicago,


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