I got two cavities filled today at 4 p.m. I made the regrettable mistake of not leaving any time to eat lunch in between my daily post-overnight snooze and my exit for the dentist’s office. Because of that, by the time I got home I was staaaaaarving. The problem was, I couldn’t eat a thing. The entire right side of my face was numb from cheek to my chin. I couldn’t even feel myself swallow for the first hour or so after (which was a truly shocking feeling). Food became a “look but don’t touch” proposition for me for hours.

By the time I left for work at 10:30, I could feel my lips and teeth again and I was ready to devour something massive. My solution? La Bamba, the “burritos as big as your head” place on Halsted St. I opted for the “super” veggie burrito, because nothing smaller was going to do. I watched in disgust and amazement as my burrito chef grabbed ingredients with his bare hands and proceeded to roll my tortilla bundle around the fryer with those same paws. I suppose the traditionally-drunk clientele doesn’t let that sort of thing bother them. And, truthfully, I was so hungry at that moment I didn’t let it bug me either.

I wolfed the burrito down when I got to the station, which instantly sent my stomach into a state of high alert. The more I tried to quell the sizzling sensation going on inside my lower G.I., the more I thought about the burrito guy’s hands. Where had they been? Maybe they’d been used for a nose pick? An ass crack itch?

I haven’t thrown up yet, though it’s still a possibility.

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