VanOsdol for Congress

Oh, Scott Lee Cohen, you sad, miserable, schmuck.  I appreciate your indignation, but…a history of abuse?  Steroid use?  Shacking up with a massage parlor girl?  There are no “happy endings” to this story, I’m afraid; this stuff always comes out. 

Cohen’s is but the latest career fatality on a political death list that’sscrolled through the White House, past the House and Senate, and acrossGovernor’s mansions large and small across the U.S.

For those seeking or holding public office, everything you do…everything…is scrutinized and well-documented.  Whether it’s keeping a Argentinian mistress, trolling for gay sex, or the much-beloved putting a price on the President’s vacant Senate seat, the internet is ready to spell out the details of your misconduct and chart the fall.  In real time. 

A cynic might think that pols today are more corrupt than a few generations back.  I disagree.  I think the information age just makes it harder to get away with misdeeds, and absolutely impossible to rewrite history (take that, Winston Smith).  For a politician to succeed and not get “dinged,” he or she must have both the business cunning of Lex Luthor and the moral accountability of a convent full of nuns.

The idea of public office, accepting that higher call to serve the greater good, is one that always appealed to me.  I could never even think about it for real, though.  The second my name hit a ballot, the Tribune would be calling.  “Mr. VanOsdol, is it true that you used to pound beer bongs and do donuts in vacant parking lots while in high school?”
“Ummm…”

ABC-7 would show up at the front door.  “Mr VanOsdol, church groups have found audio of you on the radio playing a group called Cradle of Filth.  Before playing their songs, you were quoted as saying, ‘praise Satan.’ Are you, in fact, a devil worshipper?”
“Ummm…” 

Enter Walter Jacobson.  “Mr. VanOsdol, have you, as a passenger, ever mooned someone from a speeding vehicle?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Then explain this photo we’ve uncovered from 1989.”
“Crap.”

Robert Feder, Vocalo.org blogger.  “James, were you telling the truth on the air when you said, ‘I can’t wait to hear the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album’?”
“Ummm…”

I can only imagine how my opponents would come after me in their ads:

JAMES VANOSDOL WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE HE’S TELLING THE TRUTH. 

REMEMBER WHEN HE SAID HE “COULDN’T WAIT” TO HEAR THE NEW CHILI PEPPERS ALBUM?  HMMM…THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE THE SAME PERSON WHO WROTE A BLOG ENTRY SAYING THAT THEY WERE “THE WORST BAND EVER.”

COME ON, JAMES VANOSDOL.  WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN LYING ABOUT?

Ummm…lots?   Okay, I get it.  I’m out.  I respectfully withdraw. 

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: