Let’s get Avatarded…

I waited until I was the last person in America to see “Avatar.”  I was in no hurry; it looked deadly dull.  If a big budget science fiction movie can’t grab me with a trailer, I assume the worst.  Even “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” managed to pique my interest with an action-packed (and hilariously awful) 78 second teaser.


 


If I was going to see “Avatar,” I decided, I had to see it in the biggest, loudest, and most cinematically over-the-top way possible:  IMAX 3-D.


 


The great thing about IMAX movies is that there are no commercials.  No insufferable talking bag puppets.  No trailers for movies starring Tracey Morgan.  When that show time rolls around, it’s show time. 


 


We’ve all read the reviews and analyses of “Avatar.”  Rather than cobble together my own comparatively inferior review, here are five quick thoughts:


 


1.  “Avatar” is a two-star movie with four-star effects.  It’s absolutely stunning to behold, but there’s nothing much under the surface.  Kinda like an upper tier porn star.


 


2.  I thought for sure the movie was almost over around the 1:45 mark.  And then it kept going.  And going.  “Avatar” is a two-pee-break motion picture.


 


3.  Every character was a cliché; a movie stereotype.  The tough-as-nails female chopper pilot with a good soul (in Battlestar Galactica, her name was Starbuck).  The all-or-nothing, smoke ‘em out, military commander.  The smarmy corporate dickhead.  The native girl who can hold her own.  The chick from Alien.


 


4.  Early on, an action scene had me thinking that “Avatar” was going to seriously kick ass.  In it, the lead character visits the jungles of Pandora for his first time, and has to contend with hammerheaded dinosaur aliens who roll through the brush like sentient tanks.  The thrills were short-lived, but they were thrills nonetheless.


 


5.  Unobtanium.  That’s the name of the substance that the military wants to…obtain.  For real?  Fuck you, James Cameron.


 


 

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